Dear Gen Z
*The following short story is a work of fiction. The characters, organisations, brands, and events portrayed are fictional. Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental. This material does not reflect the author's opinions. It may depict highly unsuitable topics and language for sensitive demographics and should not be read by minors.
The following content is a monologue written by Abraham Towers. It was presented at Positive Thinking High School during a ceremony that millennial graduates had organised for high-school seniors. It is entitled: “Dear Gen Z”.
First of all, I assure you that my observations will lack trite pejorative terms such as “The Crystal Generation” or “The Snowflakes” to prevent any censorship from the non-binary pussies, and instead, I will enlighten you with punchlines about porn addiction.
Nurtured by the perfect mother; this generation grew up to be insecure, socially awkward, superficial, and attention-thirsted. But is that necessarily a bad thing? I once fell in love with a Gen Z girl I met on Tinder, our relationship evolved into something magical that lasted for two years until she removed her disposable face mask—they say everyone is beautiful nowadays, but then you try dating a burn survivor!
Beauty standards have been compromised. Models used to have the talent of posing arrogantly with the face of one smelling a fart, and their only real job was maintaining a healthy body. Now, obese models are taking over the fashion industry. This same thing happened with CDs, they were replaced by USBs, and now both are obsolete. So beware, body-conscious ambassadors… I heard a gang of elephants already signed with Versace.
It is amazing to see many new faces working here at the University. I know for a fact that all millennial professors follow their hottest students on TikTok, to like their bikini videos. To which I must say, we live in a great time! Cheers. It doesn’t matter because this generation was desensitized a while ago. Naked bodies are not impressive, nor are deep-web videos about massacres or terrorists. Nothing makes this generation feel any trace of fear—except when they accidentally post nudes instead of sending them.
The other day I was watching YouTube videos with my four-year-old cousin when I grasped that a woman dressed as a character from Pixar’s Inside Out said. “Follow me on OnlyFans!” I seized his iPad and took matters into my own hands, literally, white matters. You would not believe what hides under Disgust’s skirt! Her ass is the real inside out. Don’t worry, you are aware there are no laws to prevent minors from watching pornography. In fact, in many countries, there are currently no laws about AI-generated pornography depicting children. To which I think, holy shit that’s perfect!
And thanks to your idiotic preferences, the film industry is in decay and scriptwriters are being replaced with Artificial Intelligence… Now that I think about it, that is good given the writing on Ariana Grande’s Wicked, god help us. I think it is extremely hypocritical that they allowed a black woman to do a green-face in the movie. You should’ve seen the look on the frogs! Although I admit that this revolutionary movement—of not letting an actor portray a chick with dick if he is not a real trans woman—is not that crazy, I must say I am excited about the new Ted Bundy movie because it’ll be starred by a real-life rapist! At the moment he is in jail rehearsing, but the studio will take him out for the shooting in autumn. Would not be the first time the academy awards a sex offender, huh?
But the progressive pronouns are by far the worst product of the Zoomers. Before I leave this podium I must recite a short story I wrote about a protagonist named John, they considers themselves gender neutral thus theirs pronouns are they/them/theirs.
“John woke up to get to work. They was taking a shower. They grabbed their suitcase before leaving. At the office, they met with X Æ A-XII who invites them a cup of coffee—since X Æ A-XII considers hirself gender fluid, hir pronouns are Ze/Hir/Hirs. Both great minds discussed political matters which quickly unleashed a very mature quarrel. For X Æ A-XII their postures were edgy, and ze found it offensive because ze is open-minded. They was confronted about his non-progressive views, and ze spilled coffee on theirs face, making them punched hirs face.”
I find inclusive language stupider than paying for Twitter’s blue checkmark—offence intended—but what would I know? I am just a writer.
