Teenage Sex Guide

*The following short story is a work of fiction. The characters, organisations, brands, and events portrayed are fictional. Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental. This material does not reflect the author's opinions. It may depict highly unsuitable topics and language for sensitive demographics and should not be read by minors.

This is a guide made for adolescents rather than for adults who want teenage pussy, those guys can go somewhere else. Here are the do’s and don’ts to be prepared for sex as a clumsy adolescent with other awkward adolescents. Some may be obvious, some may not even be pieces of advice but like weird stories, and others are just genius observations.

But first, the question of the day! “Is sex OK for teenagers?”

Well, that depends. Sex is OK for any age, as long as the ones involved are not morons.

1. Wiener Care

Henry is a very keen boy. The first time he stayed at his girlfriend’s house when her folks went shopping, he had already pulled his dick out. Jenny tongued it. He could not wrap his mind around her wrapping her mouth around his glans. For a moment, he was elevated into nirvana. He could speak Mandarin and split the atom with his fingertips. He almost reached an orgasm within five seconds of getting his cock suctioned. Jenny ceased fire. Henry glanced at her like ‘Why did you stop?’ and Jenny shrugged. Days later, she confessed that it tasted like pee. Henry learned that his wiener must be washed before oral sex.

2. Lube, the golden rule

Geneva is a girl who likes to have fun—often with many boys in one single day. His parents think of her as a sweet girl, but her entire school thinks of her as the biggest harlot on Earth. One day, a sinewy boy named Max was about to penetrate her, Geneva opened her legs as Max introduced himself inside her—with a condom on. The boy went balls deep at the devil’s speed. He ravished her like a bunny. Geneva realised it hurt, but she did not care much because her libido rose to the image of herself in the mirror getting mashed, hard. When he extracted his dick out of her after ejaculating, they saw blood. A lot of blood. The bedsheets were red instead of white. The condom had stains.

“Are you menstruating?”

“Fuck no!” Geneva exclaimed horrified, on the edge of tears.

“You sure?”

“Yes! I got my period two weeks ago, this is no period’s blood!”

Geneva convinced Max to take her to the gynaecologist. The female doctor said that Geneva’s vagina had been hurt due to the friction. Max laughed when the doctor said vagina. And Geneva learned that a whore’s best friend is but a bottle of lube.

3. Rape and Condoms

Gerry frightened poor Cassie, the girl was in the backseat of his car.

“No, Gerry! Don’t rape me!”

Gerry got hard on her begging. “Yes! You little shit!”

“No, Gerry, no!”

“But first! I have to put my condom on!”

“No, Gerry! No, condom!”

Gerry tried to slide the latex ring around his cock. “I need light! You bitch!”

Cassie turned the flash of her phone on.

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome,” Cassie added. “No! Gerry! Don’t rape me!”

Gerry struggled to get the condom on. “Oh, shit. I was putting on backwards. Sorry.” He pressed it against his tip. “Oh, no. It was right, now it is backwards.”

“No! Gerry! Don’t rape me!”

“Yes! I will rape you! As soon as I figure this thing out!”

His dick went limp. He cried on Cassie’s shoulder, who hugged him.

“It is OK, Gerry. Don’t worry. A lot of rapists go through this. You can go down on me if you want.”

4. Dildos, no way around them

Sara was an adolescent with an eager vagina. It was amazing—almost like a vacuum cleaner. One day she was combing her wrung hair and noticed her paddle brush had a textured fourteen centimetres for a handle, and that sufficed to make her horny. She swiftly sprawled on her bed and pleasured herself with it. From a voyeur’s perspective, it seemed as if she were giving birth to a mutant baby. Other times, Sara introduced a toothbrush inside her rectum and pleasured herself towards an orgasm. Don’t get me wrong, it is great to pleasure yourself with toys. But sex toys are preferable to household objects because there is no wrong way to use them. I strongly advised Sara to use her brushes upside down, but the girl is stubborn! Now her hair smells like pussy and her teeth like shit.

5. Men’s Sex Toys Suck (At various speeds!)

Tony is a very curious teen. He likes to see girls with dildos on the Internet. How come women’s sex toys are sexy and glamorous? He often asks himself. Tony wants to sexualise himself while masturbating as online girls do. But Tony jerking off is not as sexy as a woman dividing her thighs with a vinyl pecker. Thus he bought a small pair of latex butt cheeks and filmed himself rocking them passionately. When he saw the video he felt awkward because he looked like he was raping a fetus. He saved his allowances until it was enough to buy a full-bodied fuck doll. He filmed the entire thing. But now he seemed like he was violating a quadriplegic woman. He needed the equivalent of a dildo. Why are men’s toys so fucking disgusting? That is when Tony came across a beautiful invention named Fleshlight. It looked like a flashlight but it is designed to carry your cock within. And he bought a fancy one—with seven velocities. He filmed himself getting his dick squeezed by an orgasmic blender. But when he saw the video he realised there was no footage of his semen shooting out majestically, whereas girls rub her shy clitorises and squirt all over her dildos. Tony was a smart kid so he created the perfect vulva toy any man could have. It was a vagina, but it was also an asshole, and also a mouth. He filmed himself jerking off with his creation and when he saw the video he almost cried. He understood that life is not fair for men. Women can fuck a hundred guys in a single day—Lily Phillips—whereas the luckiest man can barely handle five erections for five different girls in a day—Mick Jagger. That is the reality of life. Women’s sex toys are beautiful, and men’s sex toys are dirty and disgusting containers of jizzle. Tony abandoned his dreams of being an online porn creator and became a chartered accountant instead.

What are your thoughts?

In this week’s publication, we learned that it is fundamental to wash one’s penis thoroughly, that lube will prevent a vagina from bleeding, that one ought to practice putting a condom on before going out to rape, that a dildo can improve a girl’s hygiene, and that men’s toys suck fucking hairy balls, so if you are an inventor here is an idea for you—make a descent sex toy that it is not a sperm tube and you will become a millionaire. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned next week for an update of Teenage Sex Guide, we will discuss important matters such as the prepuce vs circumcision, nipple piercings, how to take the most artistic dick pics—with special guest Emmanuel Lubesky—, how to jerk off with feet, reaching a man’s G spot, and how to make a women cum using just an avocado.

I will read you all in the comments below!